Billy's Lines Of Gibberish

I read today an agonized call on the website of the SPA (Société protectrice des animaux, the French Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals):

CALL FOR WITNESSES

The SPA is looking for 4 elephants that are part of the Big Foot Show. They were seen in Cavalaire-sur-Mer lately, and we need to find them! If you have any information, please call us immediately (+33 143 xxx xxx or the Internet).

Two and a half months after they made off, nowhere on the web I read news about the cute pets being found again... Therefore, if you ever see elephants on a road close to your place, especially in Europe or Middle East — I mean, elephants whose colour is grey, not pink — no need to go and see a doctor: you might have met the poor little things on their way back to native Kenya.

Losing their elephants... people are absent-minded sometimes, aren't they.

My brother, who sells cosmetics on the international market, told me several times funny stories about warnings he must put on products his company markets in the USA, so as not to be sued.

For instance, soap packages should be labelled do not eat and eye liner pencils do not apply while driving. Apparently though, get a brain before use has not yet been displayed anywhere.

Quoting Bob Dorigo Jones, president of a US consumer watchdog called Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW): it used to be that if someone spilled coffee in their lap, they simply called themselves clumsy. Today, too many people are calling themselves an attorney. If I were silly enough to eat a soap, for sure I would never tell it anyone after! but some people dare everything, don't they... This sue first, ask questions later mentality has not only produced wacky warning labels. It has also increased the cost of products and services families use daily.

A couple of days ago, M-LAW declared the winners of their 10th annual Wacky Warning Label contest. Sometimes, it is hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they are simply targeting the most brain dead dumb! This year, the winning label was found on a washing machine in a laundermat: Do not put people in washing machine, it displays. The second place award came from a personal watercraft that warns: Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level. The one I love most is the third award though: Don’t try to dry your phone in a microwave oven, a cellphone instructions leaflet warns.

Several warnings awarded in the previous years were quite brilliant also:
— On a baby stroller: Remove child before folding;
— On a blanket: Not to be used as protection from a tornado;
— On the handle of a household iron: Never iron clothes while they are being worn;
— On the package of a brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the end: Harmful if swallowed (ouch);
— On a toilet bowl cleaning brush: Do not use orally (eww).

These are good pieces of advice definitely. Thank you, guys.